21

21

They say it takes 21 to make or break a habit.

"If you try a diet for 21 days, you'll make it a habit and a routine and you'll stick to it and the weight will come off and you'll be so beautiful because right now, only your face is beautiful and everyone will love you and be proud of you. 21 days! That's all it takes!"

It's been 21 days since we split. Twenty-one days from now, it will be Christmas. 

Why is this still so hard? It should be a habit now, having your existence erased and you gone. This should be getting easier, with clarity and acceptance coming in to clear the way. 

It's more like waves. It's like I'm sitting on the beach and I can't move.

I have to look out to sea.

I have to look out to see. 

Here it comes -- sadness, anger, guilt, tears, forgiveness, longingness, love, hope. 

There it goes again.

I can barely move. 

 

I hate that you're the main theme in my dreams. Even if I don't see you, I'm doing things so I can see you.

Sleep is more exhausting than being awake. 

 

I never could get into a 21-day habit and make it work (aside from vegetarianism but that was a different story). 

Maybe this time I'll be lucky.

Fast Car

This is when things hurt most.

My morning and my nights.

I wonder where you are. I wonder what you’re doing. I wonder if you’ve seen a funny vid being shared on social media. I wonder how your day went.

I wonder what you think of. I wonder if you ever think of me. I wonder if I’m easy to forget.

I’m not supposed to think of any of these things but I do. It’s not that easy for me to let someone I loved go.

I know I should be angry and I am. Parts of me hate the way everything happened. Most of me knows things needed to change. Most of me knows that this needed to happen.

 

I look to the future now and I wonder if there’s space for you in it. I thought we were a team. I thought we were working towards the same thing. I thought we both wanted to know how this chapter would end.

You let it go and I thought it was premature of you to do. I told you to stop being a scaredy cat. I told you I thought you were better.

The truth is, you were. You did the thing I couldn’t do.

I still miss you very much and believe with much of my heart that you and I had something that very few people get to have. I still think we do, but I also think we need time and distance for that to work. And that is a whole other story that I can’t entertain. It will hurt me. I know it will.

I saw this the other day. It broke my heart but I understand 100% how this feels because I felt this when I canceled my flight.