21

They say it takes 21 to make or break a habit.

"If you try a diet for 21 days, you'll make it a habit and a routine and you'll stick to it and the weight will come off and you'll be so beautiful because right now, only your face is beautiful and everyone will love you and be proud of you. 21 days! That's all it takes!"

It's been 21 days since we split. Twenty-one days from now, it will be Christmas. 

Why is this still so hard? It should be a habit now, having your existence erased and you gone. This should be getting easier, with clarity and acceptance coming in to clear the way. 

It's more like waves. It's like I'm sitting on the beach and I can't move.

I have to look out to sea.

I have to look out to see. 

Here it comes -- sadness, anger, guilt, tears, forgiveness, longingness, love, hope. 

There it goes again.

I can barely move. 

 

I hate that you're the main theme in my dreams. Even if I don't see you, I'm doing things so I can see you.

Sleep is more exhausting than being awake. 

 

I never could get into a 21-day habit and make it work (aside from vegetarianism but that was a different story). 

Maybe this time I'll be lucky.