To New Beginnings

Girl with Apple by William Glackens

Ah, the smell of new beginnings. It smells like sweat, sulfur because who are we kidding, sandalwood, bubblegum, a hint of incense, and hairspray. Or at least my new beginnings do.

I’ve decided to take on/continue work on a few projects that just happen to coincide with the beginning of this year. I know it’s cliche and rather annoying but here we are. Plus, I’m feeling a bit different about things this time around. I feel more aware of myself and am more in tune with what I want.

To New Beginnings – Huzzah!

To help me organize my thoughts and actions, I’ve put together my little checklist. I hope this serves me well. If anything, this is now out into the universe.

Happy New Year 2019!

Personal Projects

Art – Work on a die cut; paint another picture; practice drawing.

Writing – Write a space opera based on a Mexican folktale; completing a play; collect more stories from people to show the progression of life and record their imprint that they’ve left on the world; 3 poems a month.

Music – Listen to a new genre once a week; write a few songs on Garageband; have fun and continue attending concerts.


Physical – Gain strength; build endurance; run a mile by the end of the year; squats, squats, squats; overall body overhall/transformation.

Mental – More meditation; more positive energy; more awareness of my thoughts and the energy levels I vibe on; more self-care. Stop entertaining all of the dismal predictions and possibilities for humanity.

Emotional – Love freely but remember self-worth; be more open to possibilities; say yes to more things; allow more vulnerability and connection; more patience; continue doing things that scare me.

Spiritual – More prayer; more awareness of my energy; more awareness of checkpoints; practice affirmations.

Virgin of Pomata with St. Nicholas Tolentino and St. Rose of Lima


Career – Be more organized. Be a better writer. Be a better editor. Clean up my resume. Take three courses that will build up my professional skills. Keep a checklist and calendar of events.

Furthering My Presence – Focus on continuity. Be persistent. Don’t lose my voice. Be vulnerable.

2019 – You Magnificent Bastard, You.

Overall, I will travel, do things that scare the shit out of me (literally! – my anxiety gives me tummy aches), and be more aware of my health. I’m going to focus on the self-care that has been long overdue. Also, this website is called everywherethatmarywent. I will deliver.

Uh oh

So apparently there’s been a bunch of login attempts on my account(you know who are –now stop).

This week is going to be full of new things. As a true anxious person, my body is making everything a mess and my head is a bit screwy. I’m traveling and going about this independently — and I’m freaked out about it.

Once again I let my heart rule over my head. Hopefully, it’ll end up being a good story one day.

I’m reclaiming my power which is definitely most needed. However, there are also some big holes in my body that I’m having trouble closing. I do look fab though so at least that!


More Than Words

We all know the power of words. We’ve experienced love, joy, sadness, anger, even redemption, clarity, and isolation through words. We learn from words, regardless of their medium. We even find solace and strength in them.

Though I’ve turned to words for a while, specifically in words people had written and that I wrote myself. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I found true power in words + repetition, specifically in the power of saying things 3x.

I began the practice of mantras. I said them daily, helping me to save myself from myself. I found my power. 

These words have power, which has led people to wonder if it’s witchcraft. See for yourself.

My Mantras

A couple of examples of my mantras can be found below. They all revolve around one word – “am”. I believe in being and utilizing am to stay in the present.

  • I am strong.
  • I am brave.
  • I am wise.
  • I am love.
  • I am giving.
  • I am kind. 
  • I am calm.
  • I am safe. 

Of course, my inner cynic could not get on this bandwagon without laughing, rolling my eyes, and making me feel like a complete fraud. But, as these things happen, life got a lot harder and these words started to have more meaning.

Then one day, I realized I was saying them to get through a particularly difficult journey home. 

Not so funny now.

Words Over the Centuries

Growing up in the house and culture I did, I used to find prayer helpful. “Holy Spirit, guide me on this test.” “St. Anthony, please help me to find my lost ____.” “St. Andrew, reveal my future husband.” “Guardian Angel, stay by my side this night, for I am frightened.”

I admit I stopped believing. But again, there is a natural balance in the world and once again, things got hard and my refuge was prayer (though I felt guilty about it). Then things got good and I stopped. 

This cycle has come and gone for most of my late teen years to my adult life.  Now, I’m in a bad cycle, given the state of the world and the uncertainty and loss I had felt from these past few months. Then I started using these particular sets of words, and it helped. 

So I pray to St. Michael for strength, St. Anthony for my loss, St. Jude for hope, St. Mary Magdalene for faith, and the Holy Spirit for words. 

As is the promise, I must publish the words that have been spoken for centuries.

Say and believe these words. Find solace. Then pass them on. 

Prayer to St. Anthony (1200’s?): Lost Things

Blessed be God in His Angels and in His Saints.

O Holy St. Anthony, gentlest of Saints, your love for God
and Charity for His creatures made you worthy when on
Earth to possess miraculous powers.

Miracles waited on your word, which you were ever ready to speak for those in trouble or anxiety. Encouraged by this thought, I implore
of you to obtain for me (request). The answer to my prayer
may require a miracle. Even so, you are the saint of miracles.

O gentle and loving St. Anthony, whose heart was ever full
of human sympathy, whisper my petition into the ears of the
sweet infant Jesus, who loved to be folded in your arms, and
the gratitude of my heart will ever be yours.


Prayer to St. Jude (100’s?): For Hope in Desperation

O Holy, St Jude!
Apostle and Martyr, great in virtue and rich in miracles, near kinsman of Jesus Christ, faithful intercessor for all who invoke you, special patron in time of need; to you I have recourse from the depth of my heart, and humbly beg you, to whom God has given such great power, to come to my assistance; help me now in my urgent need and grant my earnest petition.

I will never forget thy graces and favors you obtain for me
and I will do my utmost to spread devotion to you. Amen.

St. Jude, pray for us and all who honor thee and invoke thy aid.
(Say 3 Our Father’s, 3 Hail Mary’s, and 3 Glory Be’s after this.)

T-shirts! Get your t-shirts!

I bought like 10 t-shirts in the past month. They make my boobs look good BUT I also feel so enclosed. I’m a skip and two hops away from ruffles.

I also have this stress rash on my arm. The itchy flesh calls to the depths of my soul.

Every day I fight. Every day it calls.

Typing this out has awoken it…must…resist…the pleasures and delights of scratching.

Really though, it’s annoying and gross and hot.

I wonder why I’m single.

And I wonder why I have so many readers.


The Prince of Darkness, Dagol devouring human limbs
Credit: Wellcome Library, London. Wellcome Images

See “Sorry To Bother You”

This post is not being sponsored. See “Sorry To Bother You” now. Go! What are you waiting for?

Fine. Need some encouragement?

It’s stylish. Tessa Thompson has the best clothing/accessories. Lakeith Stanfield is excellent. Boots Riley directed it.

Incredible soundtrack.

Beautiful color palette.

People power!

The theater I was in was sold out and the audience was diverse as hell. Mormons. Older folks. Young folks. Movie people. People people. People who couldn’t find seats. Sugar daddies. Popcorn munchers. Someone with a pickle? Wonderful ethnicities. Everyone laughing. Everyone gasping. Everyone saying whaaaaaa?

Believe you me, it starts out one way and then just goes…little by little, more is revealed (or was it there all along, we just weren’t paying attention?).

Look, it’s funny. It’s original. It gets you out of the house.

Fly you fools!

Topsy Turvy (The World Turned Upside Down)

This week has been all over the place. From connections to deeper connections, this week has been a whirlwind. I go through so many periods of being lost. I should be a cartographer.

Yada, yada, yada.

I was lucky to attend a free screening of “Blindspotting” last night at LACMA that was followed by a Q&A of Barry Jenkins, Daveed Diggs, and Rafael Castel. It was powerful and inspiring and everything people need to see now. It was good in many ways and again, so appropriate in these turbulent times. I love the narrative, I love the hip-hop wove into the narrative, I love the rhythm of the actors, and I love the layers of all of it. It’s funny. It’s dark. It’s stressful. It’s sad. It’s good.

Following all of that was a poetry group of kids that nailed living in a place that’s being gentrified. The girl behind me was snap snapping away and I felt the need to snap too but also like everyone would know I’m a snap virgin. She had a great lewk too. I’m kinda obsessed with all these people. The director of the film program was also there rocking the evening. She said it was the first film they’d done so I’m curious to see where this program leads.

The fact that it was a free press screening/audience reaction plus the writers and actors being interviewed by Barry Jenkins was a YES from me. LA, I don’t love you like I used to but you go and do things like this and I wonder how entwined our destinies will be.

Three Songs That Define This Week – It’s Only Tuesday *cries in Spanish*


Two Posts In One Day – Lucky!

Yeah, yeah. Two posts. Big whoop. I’m feeling the feels tonight and I don’t know how to stop it.

I’m slightly overwhelmed. Student loans. Moving to LA. Watching as my family grows old. Missing him (I know, that one is stupid and silly but I can’t help it. I almost bought him something the other day and sometimes I find things that I want to share with him. I want to write out a message but I stop myself. I’d like this feeling to leave me in peace. But I don’t feel that I’m ready to move on. No one compares. Sometimes I think that maybe that was the best and I should at least be happy it happened. I am happy it happened, but I wish I didn’t still feel so raw.). Maybe it’s the idea of him – at least, that’s what I tell myself. I miss my friends. I miss my dog (even though he lays beside me).

There’s so many people I want to help and so many things I need to do. I feel like I’m running out of time.

The world feels like it’s burning faster and longer than ever before. I used to know what to do. I used to have so much hope. Maybe I still do. But I don’t know for how long. I do know that having all of that hope was an incredible feeling. It was easy to find solace there.

I’m scared to see what November holds. It’ll be one year since that. It’ll be two years since that other thing.

One thing is certain – I need to forge a new path. I need to keep looking forward. There’s nothing left of the past that can truly fuel me anymore. Sure, I can use it as a reference point. I can use it as a guide. But what lies ahead is much more important now. The world is changing. Time is speeding up. I’m getting closer to the end and there’s much to do.

Frustrated AF

No doubt you’ve seen the news about children being separated from their families. Every day there’s something to be upset about in this country. This “no tolerance” policy is one of the latest cruel deeds this administration feels the need to enforce. It’s sickening and happening in my own backyard.

I’ve been ignited for some time now but this has brought on a bigger urge to do something. I want to help people but I don’t know how. I want to collect clothing, toys, diapers, etc. but I don’t know if 1.) it’ll be accepted 2.) who exactly can get it to them. I’ve organized health fairs and toy drives before. I know I can do this too.

I feel like each day that passes is another opportunity lost. Where are the checks and balances?

This post is just to blow off some steam and help me gather my thoughts. I have a few connections and resources from my past foray into politics. Maybe I will start there…

Riders of Rohan, What News?

Oh, hello! I know, I know. I’ve been a bit MIA (also my code name when I was working at an airport and couldn’t find time to call my boss back – true story!). You may be wondering what news I bring. Well, I’ll tell ya. Not much. I’ve been promoted at work so that’s good. I’ve bought a wig. A lilac wig with long, flowing, curls. I’ve dated some less than savory characters who come in disguise. I’ve reconnected with some old friends. I traveled to both coasts. I’ve found some light again. I’ve seen old things in a new way. I officially became a year older. I’ve learned the true meaning of letting my torturer become my remedy. Oh, and I’m kinda into anime now. Cool stuff.



They say it takes 21 to make or break a habit.

"If you try a diet for 21 days, you'll make it a habit and a routine and you'll stick to it and the weight will come off and you'll be so beautiful because right now, only your face is beautiful and everyone will love you and be proud of you. 21 days! That's all it takes!"

It's been 21 days since we split. Twenty-one days from now, it will be Christmas. 

Why is this still so hard? It should be a habit now, having your existence erased and you gone. This should be getting easier, with clarity and acceptance coming in to clear the way. 

It's more like waves. It's like I'm sitting on the beach and I can't move.

I have to look out to sea.

I have to look out to see. 

Here it comes -- sadness, anger, guilt, tears, forgiveness, longingness, love, hope. 

There it goes again.

I can barely move. 


I hate that you're the main theme in my dreams. Even if I don't see you, I'm doing things so I can see you.

Sleep is more exhausting than being awake. 


I never could get into a 21-day habit and make it work (aside from vegetarianism but that was a different story). 

Maybe this time I'll be lucky.